Kurai Kaze
by Fly Girl
Summary: Yaoi. Squall is torn between two loves while Garden faces new danger from an unknown monster.
1. Steel and Silk

Story Note: Yaoi. Chapter rated R for violence.  
Disclaimer: What belongs to Squaresoft doesn't belong to me. What comes from my brain doesn't belong to you. Let's keep it that way. _wink_

****

Steel and Silk

  


Wind, wet with ocean spray, whipped Squall's hair into his eyes and across his face. He leaned forward, spreading his palms on the back of the creature beneath him, feeling the powerful muscles bunch and stretch under the Chocobo's feather-covered skin. He slid his knees up slowly onto the Chocobo so that he was riding with his legs tucked under and leaned even farther forward, his forehead brushing the bowed neck of the gold Chocobo.

After a few moments he moved his legs out so that his feet rested flat on the animal's back. Slowly, slowly, fighting each jump and jerk the creature made, he stood, arms outstretched for balance. The 'bo gave a startled squawk beneath him, craning its head around to look at him, but Squall simply concentrated on hooking his toes into the thick layer of feathers covering the bird.

The sun was bright and warm on his skin but the breeze coming off the ocean was cool. He threw his head back and held his breath, willing himself to become a part of the creature beneath him--part of the sinew and muscles and bones and blood.

The Chocobo gave another squawk and Squall opened his eyes. The creature bucked and Squall, his concentration broken, fell in a glorious arc of flailing limbs and curses to the shallow surf below. The water broke his fall, but he hit it flat so his back stung with the smack. He let himself fall down to the sand under the water, blowing out his breath in a spray of bubbles. After a long moment he sat up and pushed his wet mop of hair off of his forehead.

Something nudged him and he turned. The Chocobo was butting him with its beak, nuzzling at his hair. He scowled and gently pushed it away.

"Get out of here, you worthless 'bo."

The creature nipped playfully at his hair and then trotted a few paces away to the dry sand.

Squall sighed heavily, momentarily grateful that no one had been around to witness his graceless tumble. He got to his feet and walked up to the beach, then flung himself onto the sand, arms and legs stretched straight out.

The rays of the sun beat down on him, drying his wet flesh so quickly that he could feel the tingle of the salt on his skin. He brushed some sand from his bare chest, then adjusted his Griever pendant so it lay comfortably nestled against his collarbone. He rested his hand on his breast for a moment, feeling the warmth of the sun but thinking of the heat of a touch.

__

Her touch, sweet and gentle, soft and fine like porcelain. Her hair, long and black, silk wrapping around his loving fingers as he pet her when he held her in his arms.

And _his touch_, hot and hard, hungry and demanding and so sure, so certain. His hair, gold and smooth like Chocobo feathers as it tickled his thighs and brushed his face when they kissed.

How could he love them both, need them both, _want_ them both so much? They were so different, gave him such different things, but each fulfilled his needs so completely and, most importantly, had never left him. Since childhood Seifer had always been there, hounding him and needing his attention even before they were lovers. And from the moment they met, Rinoa had taken Squall by the hand and pulled him with her wherever she went, never letting him alone--whether he wanted to be or not. She tried to make him a better person--and loved him even though he was not.

No, the question was not 'how could he love them both?' but 'how could he choose?'. How could he betray either of them when he loved them so completely? How could he leave one of them behind when neither of them had ever left him?

Though these days he was walking a fine line there. His harp strings were wound tight, one more chord and they would snap. Seifer knew, of course, about Rinoa--the world knew. She was the princess to his knight in shining armor, the heroine to his conquering hero. The boy had saved the world and gotten the girl--the world loved them.

Seifer knew--but Rinoa did not. She would never forgive him. She would understand, would believe Squall when he cried and told her he did not mean it, that he had no choice, that he did not _want_ to fall in love with his oldest friend and rival. She would understand because she was so good and honest and loving that she could look into someone's eyes and know their pain; know their story. She would understand--but she would never forgive. And that Squall could not live with. 

He had lived a twelve-year agony in self-imposed exile with no love, no light in his life--no valuable human contact or emotion except for the frantic battles he allowed Seifer to goad him into every few weeks. The wanton desperation of his cheap affairs with half his Garden class were never more than physical, one more labor in a long line of exercise and activity he worked his body through in the course of becoming a SeeD. That had never been about love, it had always been fucking for the sake of sensation and spite, nothing more...nothing deeper. 

Seifer had been something deeper, something real... But then, Squall had fucked that harder and faster than any Garden student shoved up against the wall, gasping as he worked his hand under her skirt.

Somehow, after all the mistakes and the tragedy he had made of his life, Squall had found meaning and truth--love that was real--love that he wanted and needed to hold onto. He had been spoiled, now, by this emotion, this love. He would never be happy knowing that Rinoa did not forgive him, did not, in short, love him anymore.

So no, Rinoa could not know. It would not kill her--she was too strong for that--it would kill _Squall_.

Seifer knew--and if Squall ever had reason to doubt Seifer's love for him he had only to remember that Seifer knew--yet did not tell. He did not tell Rinoa, did not insist that Squall tell Rinoa about their affair, and never demanded that Squall choose.

Which was, of course, why he had to do it.

But to choose between the two--Seifer and Rinoa--would be like choosing between fire and ice, the sun and the moon, steel and silk, man and woman. He wanted both, needed both in his life--did not want to live without either. He was paralyzed by the weight of this choice. He was weak, he was desperate. 

The Chocobo gave a sudden disgruntled cry and nudged him in the face with its beak. He batted it away, not wanting to move yet, but it only shoved him harder. He opened his eyes and squinted against the bright sun. Lifting his hand to his forehead to shield his face with shadow he rubbed the 'bo's head and then leaned on it to help him stand.

"You're right, I guess. Better be heading back if I want to make evening roll call. Would probably look pretty bad if the Headmaster of the Garden didn't show up for headcount two days in a row."

He checked the straps on the leather belt around the bird's middle that held his gunblade, tightening the buckle. He ran an absent hand over the black stock peeking out of the top of the scabbard and rested his weight against the Chocobo.

"Gods, what am I going to do?" he whispered.

The 'bo squawked loudly and Squall started. He was about to scold the creature when he sensed something. It wasn't anything tangible, perhaps a change in the sound of the breeze, or in the way the air felt on his flesh. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he quickly but silently slid the blade out of its sheath.

A screaming wail erupted behind him and he whirled, gunblade low and ready. The swirling adrenaline blur of impending battle swept through his brain, making his vision go runny at the edges for a moment. Then something crested the rise of the sand dune before him and he saw the monster that had made that cry.

His blood ran cold, he broke out in a sweat, and his hands tightened on the stock of his blade so hard that his knuckles were white. This was no monster! It was a _demon_!

The creature swayed before him, then attacked. A long, claw-tipped appendage shot at him, piercing him quickly and deeply in the chest. He cried out and curled briefly around the wound. He cast a weak healing spell, hoping to stop the bleeding until he could defeat the monster and then use a more powerful spell.

Before he could straighten the creature attacked again. Another black claw-tipped appendage came at him and froze in front of his face. He lifted his gunblade and sliced three feet off of the thing. The monster shrieked, a high-pitched wailing that made Squall want to cover his ears. He attacked again before the creature could recover and cast a fire spell on it, sending a wave of lava, coal, flame and sparks rocketing towards the creature. 

Quickly he tuned into the SeeD battle magic that let all of its students and soldiers assess damage done to a foe. He waited somewhat frantically, groping out with his mind towards the creature for the sense of pain, anguish, even frustration that accompanied a hit.

Nothing.

The spell had done no damage.

Squall cursed and tried to remember what spells he was equipped with today on this quiet outing along the strip of beach that was patrolled and protected by the Garden. It was supposed to be monster-free. Squall did not have many spells with him.

Moving quicker than his eye could follow, the creature moved towards him again. It drew up on two of its swirling, red appendages and then leapt forward, claws outstretched and writhing towards him.

Squall quickly threw a sleep on the thing, already pulling up an ice spell as a follow-up.

The creature did not even slow.

It tucked its tentacle-like appendages close to its body and then threw them at Squall all at once. He felt them hit him in a storm of pain as a hundred razor-edged claws dug into his flesh. He screamed briefly, his voice cut off as a tentacle wound around his neck. He felt the warmth of sticky red blood flowing from a hundred wounds and his gunblade fell from his useless, punctured hand.

__

At least I didn't have to choose, he thought with a cowardly yet satisfied grin as the creature drew his body close into its web of arms. He saw Rinoa's sad eyes, her forehead crinkled in the center as it did when she cried. He could feel his life force draining and realized distantly that it was draining his hit points. His head dropped forward and the tentacle at his throat caressed his cheek almost gently.

Then, suddenly, from nowhere, he saw Seifer's mocking grin. Heard his lover's laugh as he learned that a monster had been the end of Squall Leonhart.

__

"I couldn't kill him, but a lousy monster gets him in two blows? Ah, Squall, I suppose that I should have kept on challenging you to duels even after we climbed into bed together. I should have kept you accustomed to more than one sword, eh? Poor Squall."

Seifer laughing, pitying him.

No.

Squall summoned the last of his strength and called a Guardian Force. He only carried one with him now, ever since he had learned what they did to his memory. He never used Shiva, but he kept her with him in case an emergency came up.

One had come up.

He felt ice on the back of his neck and then the glowing body of Shiva hovered ahead, pointing at the monster with angry contempt. The creature was frozen and it seemed to be looking at the Guardian, though Squall could not tell as he had no idea where its head was.

Ice so cold it burned erupted from Shiva's fingers and enveloped them. The monster screamed again, that noise that ripped Squall's ear drums to shreds. He felt its claws jerking themselves from his flesh, tearing skin in their eagerness to get away. Shiva continued to hover overhead and the monster, seemingly afraid and wanting to be rid of the thing that kept the Guardian here, shrieked and threw Squall away.

Squall felt air pummel his body as he flew towards the ocean, and wondered with a laugh if, after all this, he was going to drown.

There was the shock of cold on his skin--like ice--and then he was unconscious.

---


	2. Bedside Manner

Story Note: Yaoi. Chapter rated PG-13, I guess. I don't know, this whole rating chapters thing is making me twitch.  
Disclaimer: What belongs to Squaresoft doesn't belong to me. What comes from my brain doesn't belong to you. Let's keep it that way. _kiss kiss_ ****

Bedside Manner

  


"--supposed to be a safe, monster-free beach! And yet, is it? Oh, unless you think it was the _Chocobo_ that attacked him?"

"No, sir."

"No, I didn't think so. Now I want you to take ten teams and scour that beach from end to end, killing everything that looks at you cross-eyed. Stay out there until there's nothing left moving that doesn't have your explicit permission to be doing it! Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well what are you waiting for? You think the monster's are just going to waltz up to Balamb and knock on the door? Think they're going to pay you a visit and say _'Oh please, Mr. Moronic Asshole, please come kill us!_'? Now go!"

"Yes, sir!"

Squall kept his eyes closed throughout the entire exchange but could not help smiling at the anger in Seifer's voice. Seifer reacted to strong emotions with anger and violence. Love, fear, grief--he hid it all with hostility. Seifer's voice as he barked commands was shrill and higher than normal. He was afraid.

"Seifer," Squall said, wincing when his voice cracked a little. His throat was very dry. He opened his eyes to see Seifer rushing to his side. He thought that Seifer was going to touch him and he jerked back, thinking of how much pain he had been in when he lost consciousness.

Seifer's eyes narrowed, hurt. "Don't worry, we're alone."

Squall shook his head a little, realizing that Seifer had misinterpreted. "No, I didn't mean--"

Seifer cut him off with a wave of the hand. "Doesn't matter. How do you feel?"

Squall smirked and glanced down at his heavily bandaged body. He noticed a faint green aura hovering around his skin; healing spells still at work.

"Like a pincushion," he said wryly.

"Well, that's what you get for offering yourself up to every stray monster that happens along. I tell ya, Leonhart, you're too giving."

"Gods, shut up, Almasy," Squall groaned and closed his eyes, feeling too weak for Seifer's humor. The blond, seeming to sense that, fell quiet. Squall felt warmth on his chest and opened his eyes. Seifer was tracing a bandage on Squall's left breast, his expression intense.

"This one nicked your heart," Seifer said seriously.

Squall swallowed hard. 

"I told that fool Caret to get his sorry ass out on that beach and to bring a couple hundred soldiers with him--"

"You know," Squall interrupted with a small smile, "he outranks you. _You_ should be taking orders from _him_."

Seifer scowled and hooked a chair with his ankle, then pulled it beside Squall's infirmary bed. He sat. "Well, if someone taught him how to get his head out of his ass and _give_ an order once in a while, maybe I would."

"Maybe?" Squall asked.

"I'd consider it."

"Ah, Seifer," Squall said with a laugh. "Everyone's ideal soldier."

Seifer laughed, too, but his smile flattened quickly. "Squall, what happened out there? What got you?"

Squall looked away, ashamed. "It was a monster."

Seifer lifted an eyebrow and spoke sarcastically. "Well, we know a _monster_, sweets, but what _kind_?"

Squall was silent, thinking of its hundred arms, its hundred claws, its tentacle wrapped tight around his throat. He said nothing.

"Well, what kind was it?"

Squall shrugged, ignoring the pain in his chest and arms. "I don't know. It's one I've never seen before."

Seifer's frown deepened. "Well, Quistis'll have Dr. Zhabedy pull up files on rare monsters and run them by you, see if you recognize any of them. Maybe one of the teams out there now will find one, maybe even kill it and bring one back--" He kept on talking, his knuckles cracking as he worked his fists.

"Seifer--" Squall cut him off.

"Dammit, Squall," Seifer cried, glaring into Squall's wide grey eyes. "You almost got yourself killed."

Squall swallowed and frowned. "But I didn't."

Seifer exhaled, his breath sweeping a lock of hair out of his eye. "But you didn't. That's great, Leonhart. I'll get them to put it on your tombstone."

Squall chuckled, not paying any attention to the pain. It was already better, and he could feel it fading. There was a powerful healing spell at work on him. Balamb Garden's new medical doctor, Dr. Grayne, was a magic healer. Their old medical staff had been entirely loyal to NORG, which was why they never alerted anyone to the dangers of using Guardian Forces. Dr. Kadowaki was the only doctor they had left from the pre-Ultimecia incident. Squall and Quistis had had to scramble to restaff the infirmary ward of the Garden when they took control of the academy.

Seifer was tracing the bandages on Squall's chest again, his forefinger following a maze of flesh around the cotton and tape. Squall gritted his teeth and reached up to catch Seifer's hand. He pulled it gently to his face, resting Seifer's gloved palm against his cheek. Seifer took his hand back long enough to pull off his glove before holding Squall's face again.

"Don't you fucking scare me like that again, damn you Leonhart," Seifer hissed, leaning close to Squall's face. He rested his forehead against Squall's, their noses bumping. Squall could feel his warm, tired sigh. Squall lifted his right hand and brushed the tips of his fingers against Seifer's jaw. He ran his fingers back through the golden swaths of hair that caught the light and gave his lover a halo.

"Damn," Seifer muttered and pressed his lips against Squall's.

Squall sighed into Seifer's mouth, feeling the last of the pain fade away as his every sense focused on their lips moving against one another. Seifer's hands seemed to be everywhere and his skin burned where it was touched. Squall arched his back, pressing his body up against Seifer as he leaned closer, almost lying in the bed beside Squall. The blond's long, gray customary trench coat tented to cover their bodies, blanketing the movement of their hands beneath the fabric. Squall let out a soft moan from the back of his throat and Seifer growled in return.

Suddenly footsteps down the hall jarred them both out of heat and plunged them into icy panic. Seifer grunted and threw himself away from Squall, pushing aside the chair and running quickly to the opposite corner of the room. Squall shoved his hair away from his face and wiped his mouth nervously before turning to face the door.

Dr. Grayne bustled in, muttering to himself and flipping through papers in a file folder. Quistis came hesitantly in behind him, and following her...was Rinoa.

"Squall," she mouthed, her eyes large and full. She walked over to his bedside and knelt on the floor beside him. He pinched his lips against a sigh and pretended that he couldn't feel Seifer's gaze on them from the other side of the room. 

"Squall," she whispered, finding her voice as she softly stroked his face. "Oh, Gods, when I heard--when Seifer called me--"

Squall glanced sharply at Seifer before looking back at Rinoa. "Don't worry, I'm fine."

She laughed softly and poked him--though gently--in the center of his chest where there was a long bandage wrapped around his middle.

"Yes, well, about those," Dr. Grayne said, stepping forward. "I'd say that, yes, indeed, the Curagas we used have had time to work. So, well, yes, the bandages should be, I'd say, no longer necessary. Indeed, they can be removed at any time."

Squall sighed in relief and immediately started peeling the bandages off. He picked off the tape, ignoring the pain when he ripped it off his skin. In a few short minutes he had taken off all the bandages and fell back against his pillow again.

"Squall," Quistis said in a light voice, "you have _no_ modesty, do you?"

Squall raised his eyebrows at her, then realized that he was wearing only a thin pair of long cotton pants provided by the infirmary. He remembered with chagrin that the jeans he had been wearing that morning had been destroyed by the monster's claws.

"Not really," Squall muttered and sat up, piling pillows behind him. Rinoa reached back to help and he leaned back against them.

"How do you feel?" Quistis asked, her expression intent.

"Fine, good," Squall said shortly. He jumped as he felt something touch his hand and looked down to see Rinoa taking his hand in hers. He squeezed her hand and smiled up at her, and she reached out to touch him on the cheek, once.

"Good," Quistis said, her eyes narrowing and her manner shifting as she switched gears. "Then tell us what got you, Squall."

He frowned and shrugged.

"He doesn't know what it was."

They all turned to Seifer, who had been making himself unobtrusive in the shadowed corner of the room. He leaned back on the wall, one foot flat against it, arms crossed and head tilted.

"Oh. Seifer, I didn't see you there--" Rinoa said, getting up. She went over to him and Squall could see Seifer tense. Rinoa hesitated, then put her arms around his waist and hugged him. "Thank you, Seifer. Thank you."

Seifer sighed and put his arms around her, lightly. "You're welcome, Rinoa," he said, and only Squall could hear the resignation in his voice.

Rinoa pulled back, rubbing her forehead and walked over to Squall's bedside again.

"Seifer found you, Squall," she said, pulling over the chair that Seifer had been using before and sitting.

Squall raised his eyebrows and looked over at Seifer, who was avoiding his gaze.

"I needed you for--something--to talk with, um, the Weapons Master, and, you weren't in your office and your secretary said you'd gone riding and I called you but you didn't answer," he rattled off. Squall watched with morbid fascination as Seifer stumbled through a lie he told to cover the fact that he had gone looking for Squall because he had known they could be alone.

"Anyway, I really needed to talk to you, so, I went out after you." He shrugged uncomfortably and scowled at Squall. "I found you."

"Encased in Shiva's ice and full of holes, yes," Dr. Grayne said, one eyebrow cocked disapprovingly. Squall thought that was distinctly unfair as he had not _asked_ that monster to rip him apart.

"Thank you," Rinoa said again, earnestly.

"Yeah, thanks," Squall said quietly in a monotone.

Seifer merely shrugged in acknowledgment and stared at the floor hard enough to drill a hole.

"Squall, what does Seifer mean, you don't know what it was?" Quistis asked, her cool tone cutting in: the voice of reason.

Squall shrugged and swung his feet to the ground, letting go of Rinoa's hand and standing. On a table on the other side of his bed was a shirt that matched the thin, cotton pants. He pulled it on, not bothering to button it, and walked, barefoot, towards the door.

"Squall?" Quistis prompted, clearly annoyed.

He paused and looked back as Rinoa came to his side. "He means, I don't know what it was." He did not wait for her reply before walking out of the infirmary. 

"Squall! Dammit!" Quistis shouted after him.

"Squall," Rinoa said, jogging to catch up to him as he strode away from the hospital wing of the Garden. Squall stopped to let her reach his side and took her hand. 

"Squall, maybe you should have waited for Dr. Grayne or Dr. Kadowaki to check you out before you left," she said, though there was a hint of steel in her voice that it was more than just a polite suggestion.

"I'm fine. Grayne said that the Curagas had worked, didn't he? I feel fine. If Dr. Kadowaki had her way I would be lying around the infirmary until tomorrow morning, and I refuse to be laid up like that. Besides, what would it do for school morale if the Headmaster was in the hospital instead of running the Garden?"

"Flimsy excuse, Leonhart," Rinoa muttered, but seemed content to let it go. By then they had reached the main Hall. The corridors were bustling with students and SeeDs, racing to get to classes, hurrying down the stairs towards the Dorms, walking together in groups to go to the Cafeteria. Squall, his shirt unbuttoned and leaving his chest bare, was drawing a lot of attention.

"Hey, Headmaster Leonhart!" called a male voice. Another student whistled.

"Looking good, Headmaster!" yelled a female voice and a group of people clapped approvingly.

Squall rolled his eyes and waved while Rinoa giggled.

"Aw," she said, squeezing his hand. "Your students love you."

Squall merely sighed and headed across the Hall towards an elevator leading down to the basement. After Quistis and he had taken over they had cleaned out any remnants of NORG and his followers, fixed up and rebuilt the basement. Now all the teachers' apartments were down there, as well as Squall's.

"I have to get changed and then get up to my office. I have to check in on those teams Seifer usurped and shoved out into the field." Squall glared at the walls of the elevator as he and Rinoa stepped into it. She pressed the down button and then turned to him, a scolding frown fixed on her lips.

"He only did it because he wanted to find whatever hurt you, Squall. He sounded really upset when he called me in Deling."

"Yeah, I bet," Squall said, then winced and wondered why he had said it. _Seifer called Rinoa to tell her that Squall had been hurt?!_

Rinoa looked like she would have liked to have smacked him, and would have if she were not still afraid that he was injured.

"Now what is _that_ supposed to mean?" she asked, her frown deepening. Then, she proceeded to completely misinterpret his meaning. "If you're suddenly having second thoughts about Seifer's loyalties, might I remind you that it was he who came to you on his knees, begging to be let back into Garden, and it was he who led the teams that cleaned our strip of beach of monsters--"

"Oh, and that worked so well," Squall muttered, but Rinoa went on.

"--and it was he who came to you, asking for help in passing the SeeD exam, and it was _you_ who appointed him Assistant Weapons Master because you said he had _such expertise_ when it came to different kinds of weapons. And it was he who found you this morning, saving your _life_." She blew out an explosive breath, sending locks of hair flying from her face. She narrowed her eyes at Squall, then her face softened. "Oh, Squall. The rest of us trust him, now. _I_ trust him now. I wish you would, too."

Squall stared at her, amazed at the irony of the situation. Rinoa, defending Seifer's loyalties to Squall. If Squall had had a sense of humor, he would have laughed out loud.

"Rinoa, I--I _do_ trust him. I just--I was just surprised, that's all. That he called you. Did he--say why?" His voice wobbled slightly, but Rinoa did not seem to notice.

"He said that he wanted me to hear it from a friend, and not from just some SeeD soldier that didn't care."

Squall closed his eyes and turned his face away so Rinoa could not see the look of pain that crumpled his features for a moment.

"Squall? Are you okay? Does it hurt? Because we can just go back up to the--"

"No," he said quickly, turning back and forcing a smile. He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I'm okay, really. And you're right, of course. Seifer is our friend, and I do trust him. I do, I promise. 

"I do."

---


	3. Phantom Pain

Story Note: Yaoi. Chapter rated R for sexual situations. I don't use 'X' unless things get way down dirty-freaky-graphic-porno, so just use your own discretion  
Disclaimer: What belongs to Squaresoft doesn't belong to me. What comes from my brain doesn't belong to you. Let's keep it that way. _tee hee_ ****

Phantom Pain

  


"No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No."

Quistis narrowed her eyes at Squall. "Do you _know_ any other words?"

Squall looked soberly at her. "Yes."

Her eyes narrowed even further into two thin slits. "Any others?" she asked menacingly.

Squall blinked and without changing expression, said, "Whatever."

Quistis cried out and threw her hands in the air. "I give up."

Squall smiled a little and looked back down at the computer screen embedded in his desk. He tapped his fingers on the keyboard, hitting keys at random before waving his hand over the screen. It went black.

"Quistis, I have looked at hundreds of pictures of monsters all afternoon. It wasn't T-Rexaur, it wasn't Tiamat, or Krysta, or an Imp, or a Cactuar, or a Hexadragon--"

"All right, Squall, I get the point," Quistis said dangerously.

"--or Anacondaur, or a Bite Bug, or a Behemoth, or Abadon, or--"

"Squall," Quistis said warningly.

Squall sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair. He scratched his chest, wincing as he rubbed against a tender spot. Quistis came around his desk immediately and put her hand on his shoulder. "Are you all right?"

Squall grunted. "I wish people would stop asking me that."

"You wouldn't say that if you had seen the way you looked when Seifer brought you here."

He looked down at his hands, at his pale skin flecked with scars. There was a new one, now, on his right hand, a small, shiny patch where the monster's claw had ripped through his skin and bones. He rubbed it softly and did not speak.

"Well," she said after a long silence. "I've got Dr. Zhabedy working on it, and he's drafted his Garden History students, too. They're searching through all Balamb's archives, and whatever we could salvage from NORG's file system as well. They'll find it. Who knows? Maybe one of the teams out there now will capture one and we'll have answers before the day's out."

"Maybe," Squall said, nodding.

Quistis sighed audibly and started for the door. Without turning to face him she said, "Squall Leonhart, a man of many words."

"Why waste your breath on words when there's nothing to say?"

Quistis opened his door and looked back at him. "Maybe you should come up with some things to say, Squall. People would like you a lot better for it."

He arched one eyebrow. "I don't go through life worrying about other people all the time, Quistis."

She snorted softly. "Maybe you should start." She walked into the corridor and closed the office door behind her.

Squall blew out a hard breath and leaned back in his chair, throwing his head back until it hit the nape of his neck. He threw his arms to his side and let them dangle over the floor uselessly.

Everything was falling apart around him, nothing was the same anymore. Ever since he had taken over as Headmaster of Balamb Garden his life had taken a turn for the worse. Suddenly there were so many people looking to him for guidance and leadership. Everyone seemed to want something from him. 

Quistis had changed so much. He had naturally looked to her to be his second-in-command at the Garden, and she had gladly accepted the position, but it changed her. The stress of responsibility hardened her some, and she seemed to resent that Squall did not suffer more visibly under the pressure of duty. She took her anger out on him, always making comments about his decisions or his behavior, giving praise or support only grudgingly. He didn't know what to do about Quistis. He was not very good with handling people and emotions, he recognized and accepted that fact, but he hated having her mad at him. He decided to talk to Rinoa about it; his girlfriend would probably know what to do.

Rinoa. Seifer. 

Gods, Quistis and the Garden were the least of his problems. He was being torn in so many different directions he felt dizzy and sick. He needed a rest, he needed a vacation, he needed a drink, he needed....

Rinoa. Seifer.

He wanted them both, wanted to go to them both--wanted to pour himself into their hands and let them take care of him until he could bear to breathe on his own again. He wanted--

Rinoa. Seifer.

The two people that meant the most to him in his life were also the two that made his life so very difficult at times. Everything was so complicated, nothing was easy anymore.

And when it had started, it was so simple, so pure. Just two friends seeking comfort, reaching out towards each other in the shadows, finding each other and holding on tight. It was so right, so true and honest despite the guilt, the sin of what they were doing. Cheating. Hiding. Despite the lies.

If only it hadn't been love.

Squall put his hands across his eyes to block out the light and moaned softly. He had been sitting like this, that night when it first started, and it had been dark then, too. Months and months ago, almost a year, when he had thought he had problems but, in truth, the shadows had been in his own heart.

---

__

Balamb Garden was still being rebuilt and restaffed after the disastrous battle with Galbadia and then NORG's coup. Despite constant, round-the-clock repairs the behemoth structure still needed so much work. They had to tear down and rebuild certain parts of the outer walls and all the gears that let the Garden fly were so old as to be untrustworthy. Squall had a team of the best engineers loaned him by his father, Laguna Loire, studying the machinery and making improvements where they could.

Even though things were coming along, the Garden still showed signs of its misuse at times. Like that night. The Garden, having put into port on the east shore of Galbadia, had settled into the water, made a disconcerting shimmy, and then promptly blacked out. All the rooms and corridors in the Garden were without power, and the only light anywhere came from emergency generators and lamps set up by students and staff around the building.

Squall spent two hours settling panicked nerves and calming students and soldiers alike, giving everyone tasks to keep them busy. Then, after talking with the teams handling repairs to assess the situation, he had wearily climbed the stairs to the third floor and entered his office. He extinguished the small, battery-powered lamps that someone had lit around the room so only the blue glow from the moon shining through the windows created any light.

He collapsed on the couch, throwing his head back against the cushions, stretching his neck, his throat curved and bared--vulnerable to attack.

He stayed like that for a long time, letting his fears and pains wash over him and drag him down. Rinoa was away again, as she often was, in Timber to help the citizens rebuild their nation after this most recent Sorceress War. She still had ties with the Timber Owls there and she had worked so hard to see her continent liberated--she deserved to share in the celebration and rebirth after the transition. Squall let her go without argument, not begrudging her at all, but he did miss her. At times like this it was especially hard to be without her.

Squall had never been very emotional--when he was being brutally honest with himself he could admit just how cold and stone-like he had been before Rinoa. She opened him with her love, letting him see that there were people who cared--that would never take advantage of him and use his love as a weakness to be exploited--would never leave him.

It was hard, dealing with all these emotions that he had never paid attention to before. He had always taught himself to ignore pain, laugh at sadness, kill any trace of sentimentality or affection lest it get in the way. Lest he grow to depend on it. Now he allowed himself to stay open to all these things and he was overwhelmed.

Suddenly, sprawled in the dark and feeling like he was the only person in the world, Squall began to cry. The tears came silently, no sobbing, no hysterical screams, only a silent whimpering in the back of his throat--soft on the wings of each breath. Tears blazed a hot path down his cheeks, their warmth burning his cool skin. He did not bother to wipe them away, he just closed his eyes, letting them pool behind his lids and burn his eyes before escaping.

There was a loud bang on his door and then the hollow boom as it was thrown open so hard that it hit the wall. Boots crushed the carpet of the office floor and someone entered the room, striding quickly across to the desk. Stopped. Turned and then came over to stop just in front of Squall, who never opened his eyes. He did not know who was there, and he did not care.

"Leonhart."

Seifer. Of course. Bastard rarely knocked, and when he did it was one loud, heedless slam on the wood that was really just an announcement of his approach before he entered--whether invited to or not. Squall kept his eyes closed and grunted noncommittally.

"The mayor of Dollet called all up in arms. Apparently the engineers at work on fixing the power cells in this old heap of junk are drawing power from the surrounding areas to do it. The lights are flickering on and off in Dollet like a cheap neon sign, and he called to, oh-so-politely, tell us to knock it the fuck off."

Squall was silent for a long moment before opening his eyes and clearing his throat.

"Call him back after we have our power back and tell him we will of course comply with his wishes. Balamb Garden has no desire to upset its neighbors and wishes him to note our absolute willingness to cooperate with his request."

Seifer laughed out loud, tipping his head back and bathing his skin in the blue light of the moon.

"Very diplomatically put, Leonhart. Love it. You were born for this bureaucratic shit."

"Thanks," Squall said dryly as he closed his eyes again. The tears were coming slower, now, pooling in the circles beneath his eyes before running down alongside his nose.

Seifer was quiet and Squall thought that he had turned to go. Squall opened his eyes again and found Seifer staring at him, mouth open in a little o of surprise.

"Leonhart."

"Yes, Seifer," Squall said in a resigned tone of voice.

"You're crying, Leonhart."

"Yes, Seifer," Squall said again with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to expose you to any sort of real emotion. If you back away slowly and run as soon as you hit the hallway you should be able to escape unscathed."

Seifer's pale face wrinkled with a frown, creating deep shadows in the valleys and hills of his flesh.

"Why are you crying, Leonhart?" he asked in a tone that was curious and a little suspicious.

Squall sighed yet again, running the air over the back of his throat so it growled a little. Frustrated and wishing that Seifer would leave him alone to his shameful and mournful little display of depression, he answered flatly.

"Someone kicked my puppy and I'm all torn up about it. Leave me the hell alone, Seifer."

Seifer was silent again and Squall closed his eyes, still refusing to wipe away his tears. To brush them away was to acknowledge their existence--to recognize a weakness. Despite how much he had changed, Squall still knew that some emotions were nothing but a fault--a failing, and needed to be ignored or destroyed. He hated being caught indulging his desperation like this--it was worse than being caught naked--worse than being attacked without his gunblade by his side.

"You missing your girlfriend?" Seifer asked after a long moment, his tone teasing.

"Fuck you, Seifer," Squall said conversationally, silently willing the other to just get bored with the game of torturing Squall and leave. He didn't know why he would, though. The game was very old between them, and it had never failed to entertain Seifer before.

"What's wrong, Squally?" Seifer asked, his voice high and sugary sweet. "Are you feeling down in the dumps? Are you sad_? Are you all depressed and lonely?"_

Squall lifted his head off of the couch and looked at Seifer straight on, then tilted his head to the side and pinched his lips against a grimace of pain.

"What do you want, Seifer? Can't you just leave? Go on. Get out and leave me alone."

Seifer shook his head and laughed.

"Why would I do that? I've got you on the run, now."

Squall closed his eyes yet again, giving into the urge to block out the world. He leaned his elbow on the arm of the couch and dropped his face into his hand, squeezing the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. Gods, his head ached. His scar hurt tonight, like it did some nights. It was phantom pain, he knew, as the wound was certainly long healed. 

Sometimes he wished they did not have magical healing spells that could cure all with only a few whispered words. Sometimes Squall wanted nothing more than to let his body heal naturally--to have his injuries with him for weeks--to be able to feel the pain and be reminded of what he had been through, of what he had fought for. Sometimes pain was the only way he knew he was real.

Seifer was silent, waiting for Squall to come back at him with something, some insult or glib comment that would keep their battle with words going, but Squall just did not have the energy to keep Seifer entertained. He wanted only to be alone.

"Seifer. Please," Squall whispered, glancing up at the tall blond. "Please, leave me alone."

Seifer opened his mouth to speak, but then he was still. He was looking at Squall intently, his eyes roaming over the brunet's face, searching. He seemed to find something he didn't like, because he frowned deeply, his lips forming a bowed shadow across his face.

"What's wrong with you, Squall?"

Squall almost laughed. Seifer asked it like he might ask where that horrible smell was coming from. His voice almost curdled with distaste.

"It doesn't matter," Squall said tiredly. He shook his head. "It really doesn't."

"Well, it obviously matters to you if it's got you blubbering over it."

Squall rolled his eyes and sank down into the big, soft cushions and pillows covering the couch. He let them cradle him on all sides, like a velvet upholstered nest.

"You're right, it does matter. But it's not important to you, so don't worry about it. Just--just leave."

Seifer scowled, seeming to become only more determined to stay.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I'm curious."

"Well it's none of your business."

"You're the Headmaster of my Garden. Everything you do affects all the rest of us. Therefore, your every action, from accepting a contract from Esthar down to taking a piss, is my business."

"You're so vulgar."

"Quit skirting the issue."

"There is no issue."

"Yes, there is. What's wrong with you?"

"Why do you want to know?"

Seifer muttered something unintelligible.

"What was that?"

Seifer glared at Squall and went on the offensive.

"Why are you sitting here in the dark?"

"Because I didn't like the light of the lamps."

"Why are you sitting here alone?"

"Because I don't like people."

"Yes, well, that's true, anyway. Okay, then. Is it because Rinoa's gone?"

Squall shook his head in frustration. "No, not really. But it's none of your--"

"Is it because of the blackout?"

Squall snorted.

"No, guess not. Is it your father?"

"What, him? You think I'd cry over him?"

"Hmph. The...the pressure of being Headmaster?"

Squall shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, not really. I--I mean, that might be part of it, but--"

Seifer laughed and shifted his weight on his feet. "Go on, spill it, Leonhart."

"I don't know. It's just a lot of responsibility. A lot of added duties that I never had to deal with before. I always kind of relied on myself for myself and didn't concern myself with anyone else's well-being. Now--" He trailed off and shrugged.

"Yeah, well, I kind of know how that feels."

Squall looked up unbelievingly. "You do."

Seifer lifted his eyebrows in a show of hurt. "Hey, until recently I had a few command positions of my own, Leonhart. 'Til you and the goody-goody brigade put me out of a job, anyway," he said, shaking his head as if he were lamenting his loss.

"Yeah," Squall said sardonically. "But for some reason I don't think the mantle of responsibility weighed on you so heavily."

"Yes, well." Seifer said, looking down. "I was never really in control, anyway. It was always Ultimecia. She was always there, in my head, telling me what to do and forcing me when and if I refused."

Squall heard the guilt in his friend's voice and he spoke gently. "You had no choice, Seifer."

Seifer looked up with narrowed eyes. "I didn't always refuse," he said, eager to prove he wasn't as good a person as Squall might be thinking.

"You had no choice," Squall said again.

Seifer looked at Squall for a long moment before taking a deep breath and exhaling. His shoulders slumped slightly and he nodded. "Yeah, I suppose not."

"It's all right," Squall said tentatively, not sure how to maneuver around this suddenly thoughtful Seifer. "You're on the right side, now. It took you a while to get here, but you came around."

Seifer met his eyes somberly. In the silver light of the moon, Seifer's eyes looked black.

"I just never wanted to be anyone's second choice, Squall, you know? Around here it was always you. You were everyone's favorite, everyone's hero. And you never even tried_, that's what got me! You never even try! You don't even _want_ their love, their admiration, but you get it. It comes so easily to you--it's so _easy_ for you. I always wanted what you had around here, and I knew I could never have it. I wanted to be the first choice, Squall, but around here I was always second best." He sighed and ran a hand over his hair. "Always will be, I guess, but I think I'm finally learning to live with that."_

Squall stared openly at Seifer.

"It's not_ easy," Squall disagreed softly, shaking his head. "It's..." He shook his head again and pressed his fingers to his forehead. "It's really not."_

Seifer was silent again. The quiet grew and was swallowed up by the deep shadows which encased the room and blanketed the two men. Squall thought that perhaps Seifer had said all he had to say but then he spoke again.

"Squall. Leonhart. Squall. What's--what is_ wrong with you?"_

Squall bit his lip and stared at his hands. He opened them slowly, turned them over so he could see his palms. He closed his hands slowly, wrapping his fingers around empty air to ball them into loose fists. They held nothing--they were empty, empty.

"I'm scared, Seifer," he whispered, so softly he wasn't sure that Seifer heard him.

"Of what?"

Squall swallowed hard and realized that he had started shaking.

"I don't know. I don't know, exactly. I just--I'm just so scared. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't-- This isn't right. I shouldn't be here."

"Uh-huh. And where, exactly, should you be?"

Squall just stared at his fists and shook his head. "I don't know," he said on the faintest breath.

His shaking grew stronger until his whole body was shivering. His teeth chattered loudly and he clamped his jaws shut. He hugged his arms around his body and leaned down, wanting to curl forward.

"Hey," Seifer said, surprised but concerned. "Hey, hey. No. Come on. Squall."

Squall could barely manage to shake his head. He dug his fingers into the fabric of his white shirt and squeezed until he was pinching his own flesh. It hurt, but the pain helped him focus.

"Squall," Seifer said softly, and the cushions shifted as he sat beside Squall on the sofa. Squall felt a tentative hand on his left shoulder before Seifer slowly, hesitantly, slowly_, pulled him into a hug._

Squall squeezed his eyes shut. Another weakness, another failure...but he did not pull away or push Seifer from him. He stayed still within the circle of Seifer's arms and leaned just a little towards the other.

"Calm down, Leonhart, you're having a fit, here," Seifer said lightly. His finger brushed Squall's chin gently. "Come on."

As Squall began slowly to relax he felt Seifer's right hand rubbing his arm. He felt Seifer's left hand tugging gently on a few soft strands of his hair. He took long, deep breaths and slumped against Seifer.

"Gods, Squall," Seifer said, and that was all.

Squall lifted his head and turned to face Seifer. They were close, bodies pressed together, sharing warmth. Such nearness limited Squall's options. He had choices before him, directions in which he could move. He chose one.

He leaned closer to Seifer, breathing in the scent of whatever aftershave Seifer used--something spicy that made his nose itch. He leaned closer until his lips were right by Seifer's, until their mouths were sighing small brushes of air against one another. He leaned close, and then he kissed Seifer. He kissed Seifer and his hands were on Seifer's arms, holding them against his body--until he realized that Seifer was kissing back.

They shifted slightly as they kissed, moving so their bodies faced one another. Seifer's mouth was strong against his, and his tongue worked into Squall's mouth like he needed no invitation. Seifer kissed Squall with his lips, with his tongue, and with his fingers, creeping up to cup Squall's cheeks and caress his flesh, and with his hips, pushing against Squall's as he slowly backed Squall into the corner of the sofa. Squall found himself half lying down with Seifer over him, trapped and pinning him against the cushions. He let out a soft moan, begging, gently, and spread his hands over Seifer's chest so that they weren't empty anymore.

By the time the lights finally came back on, they were both beyond caring. Squall immediately turned them back off and quickly locked the door.

---

Squall sighed deeply. The memories were so real sometimes, he could still feel the sharp pain of that night, could still feel the soft warmth of Seifer's caresses. He put his hand on his throat, his palm warm on cool skin, and closed his fingers gently around his neck. He slid his hand down to his collarbone, then lifted his Griever pendant out from under his white button-down.

He stared at the silver pendant. It caught the light and threw a beam into his eye. He traced the cross at the bottom, the symbol that was so similar to the one that Seifer wore on the sleeves of his long trench, and had on his coat of arms.

Gods, he was fooling himself. It had never been simple, and it had never been honest. Squall had entangled himself in a web of lies for so long, and for what? For sex? For love?

Yes, for love. And for cowardice.

He cupped the pendant in the palm of one hand and let his eyes follow the lines of the lion's head--its mouth was open in a roar, a challenging cry. He did not look up even when someone knocked once at his door before opening it and closing it behind them.

"Moping, I presume?"

Squall smiled slightly and looked up. "Hello, Seifer."

Seifer cocked his head and adopted an incredulous look. "'Hello, Seifer'? Is that the best you can do? Listen, I saved your worthless life this morning, Squally-baby. I want some major gratitude. Now."

Squall suppressed a laugh and rolled his eyes. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

Seifer sighed happily. "Good boy."

Squall arched one eyebrow and waved his hand in a beckoning gesture. Seifer looked up at the ceiling and, as if he were doing Squall a great favor, walked around the desk to where Squall was sitting.

"Good boy," Squall said with a smile as he reached up to pull Seifer towards him.

And no, it wasn't simple. And no, it wasn't honest. For the rest of the world it wasn't right or good or pure or easy. But for Squall and Seifer, moving in each other's arms, it was all of those things and more. 

---


	4. A Debriefing

Story Note: Yaoi. Chapter rated PG-13 for violence, I believe. It's been a while since I've read this one.  
Disclaimer: What belongs to Squaresoft doesn't belong to me. What comes from my brain doesn't belong to you. Let's keep it that way. _um, yeah._ ****

A Debriefing 

  


Squall hurried out of his office and heard the comforting _whirr _and _click_ of the electronic mechanisms locking the door automatically behind him; in order to enter the Headmaster's office a code needed to be applied into a keypad. It was a fairly new and high-tech addition to the office and it had been more Quistis' idea than Squall's, but he had gone along with it so as to avoid an argument. 

He let the high-security device activate when he was gone, but when he was in his office Squall tended to leave it on "safety" mode, which neutralized the system and allowed people to come and go without having to know the secret code. This was not only for the benefit of SeeDs and faculty that might need to come see him, but mainly for Seifer who had the infamous habit of knocking once before barging in. The necessity of dealing with a coded security in order to gain access to Squall each and every time he wished to see the other man would most likely drive him insane.

Squall headed for the elevator with Seifer close behind. He tugged on a lock of hair, then shoved it behind an ear. He really should just shave it all off, it was so damn annoying.

"Don't even think about it."

Squall shot an amused glance at Seifer. "What's that?"

"I know what you're thinking. You always get that look on your face when you're messing with your hair. Don't even think of shaving it off, doll, I like it the way it is: sloppy and gorgeous."

Squall narrowed his eyes; his equivalent of blushing. "Whatever."

Seifer laughed and lay a hand on Squall's shoulder. "I always know I've gotten to you when you suddenly revert to single-word sentences on me, babe."

Squall said nothing, which was an answer in itself.

There were two lifts in the hallway outside the Headmaster's Office. One was for the normal elevator that was accessible by all SeeDs and opened up on the main Hall on the first floor. The other was a special one that could only be called using a key. It led directly to the lower levels of Balamb and had to remain locked as only staff and graduated SeeDs were allowed in the basement area of the Garden.

Squall patted the pockets of his pants but he did not feel the key.

"It's not there."

Squall looked up at Seifer absently as his hands scoured his pockets. "How do you know?"

"Squall, hon, you wear your leather so tight, I can pretty much give you a prostate exam from here—and I can see the outline of everything in your pockets. It's not there. Must've fallen out in your office while we were tumbling around on the shag carpet." He wiggled his eyebrows at the word 'shag' and grinned cockily.

Squall smiled and held out his hand. "Gimme yours then, or use it and quit talking about it."

"Aw Squall," Seifer said coyly, stepping forward to key the lift. "The ever-blushing bride. You big man, you."

Squall ignored Seifer and stepped into the elevator as the doors opened. Seifer followed, spouting innuendoes and generally amusing himself. Squall was used to every aspect of Seifer's behavior. They both had to do something to adjust after each time they were together. For Squall it was easier to shift his emotions, hide what he could not afford to show around others; perhaps because he had more at stake.

Seifer, on the other hand, needed a longer ritual to move from 'lover' to 'friend' and he always used the same devices. First it was the sweet talk: 'baby', 'honey', 'doll'. Then he switched to humor and sly come-ons, sometimes only just brushing the edge of good taste and relying heavily on vulgarity. Finally something seemed to click and that pale, thin mask settled over his face, keeping anyone from guessing how he felt, keeping anyone from knowing that the mask was even there.

Squall tolerated Seifer's harmless tirade as the elevator dropped through the bowels of the Garden. Through the glass walls he saw the light marble of the upper levels give way to black machinery and concrete walls. Then the area outside the lift opened up and they reached the sections that Quistis and Squall had had expanded when they took over at Garden.

Seifer was still rambling on even as the lift settled onto the ground. Squall looked out to see if anyone was around, noted that they were—for the moment—alone, and quickly stepped across the elevator and crushed his lips against Seifer's. He pushed hard, felt Seifer freeze and then respond with a surprised moan, before he pulled away. His lips hovered an inch from Seifer's.

"Seifer," Squall hissed, feeling his breath bounce off of Seifer's face, "stop talking."

He turned away and saw Dr. Zhabedy and Captain Caret striding towards the elevator. Squall keyed the doors open and stepped out.

"Headmaster!" Dr. Zhabedy cried, spotting Squall. "We were just about to send someone after you. We called your office over ten minutes ago..."

Squall's eyes narrowed. "Yes, well, I had some—important business to finish up. I came as soon as I could."

Seifer snorted loudly behind him but Squall did not look back. 

"Captain Caret," Squall said, acknowledging the thin man fidgeting behind Zhabedy's impressive bulk. "Did any of the teams find anything?"

"Well, er, sir, that's kind of why we called you down—"

Just then Squall entered the Briefing Room and froze on the threshold. The occupants of the room all looked up as he came in and he vaguely noted Quistis's pinched expression, the SeeDs wearing bandages and slings hunched in seats around the briefing table, and the holo-screen in the corner of the room playing looped footage, but the thing that had made him stop in his tracks was the sight of the Garden's scientist, Dr. Kencie, bent eagerly over the table, and the thing that he was studying.

It was one of the red tentacles of the monster.

"You saw it?" he asked immediately, forcing his legs to move him into the room. 

Captain Caret winced and nodded, then gestured to the injured SeeDs. "And fought it."

Squall finally focused on the young men and women sitting on the far side of the table. There were eight of them, three women and five men. They were all smudged, bruised and, in some cases, bleeding. Dr. Kadowaki hovered behind them, leaning against the wall but not even pretending to be relaxed.

"Have you been to the infirmary yet?" he asked them.

One of the women spoke up, glancing apprehensively at Caret. "No, sir."

"I told them to wait," Captain Caret said. "I called Dr. Kadowaki down here to look after them as best she could, but we have important information that we need to divulge, sir, and we couldn't lose the time it would take to visit the hospital ward."

Squall frowned and stared again at the tentacle lying coiled on the table. Dr. Kencie was poking it with a pen.

"Surely it could have waited?"

"No, Squall, it couldn't."

Squall looked at Quistis, met her cool eyes and raised his eyebrows.

"What is it, then?"

"This," Quistis said, pointing to the holo-screen in the corner. "One of the members of the team managed to take a recording of part of the battle. It's brief and poor quality as the recording device was part of his wrist communicator, but what it shows us is very important."

Squall noted Seifer taking a seat at the table as the others all swiveled in their chairs to face the screen. Squall remained standing, however, and watched the screen while keeping the severed tentacle in the corner of his vision.

The picture on the screen was blurry, then suddenly the images popped out in 3-D. A scream pierced the quiet and then they all heard the noises of blasts, cursing and the occasional cry of pain. The picture swam as if the person doing the recording was swinging his wrist, then it arced quickly and the view included part of the ground and a hand. The SeeD doing the recording had fallen to the ground and was still.

The images running around in the holo-space were of SeeD soldiers running towards the camera, then suddenly something inhuman came into the scene. Squall tensed slightly as he saw the monster that had attacked him, its amorphous pink body hovering in the air above the beach and its hundred red tentacles reaching hungrily towards the camera. He frowned, tilted his head, stared. Something about the monster bothered him, and it was more than the memory of its sharp claws piercing his body. It nagged at his brain, but he could not think what it was. He shook his head and paid attention to the video, vowing to work it out later. 

On the screen, one soldier, a young woman, ran into view and tossed a Fire spell at it. It ignored the light around it and reached out, spearing the woman with its tentacles. It lifted her body in the air and wrapped its arms around her in a murderous embrace. She twitched and flung her arms out and Squall knew that the monster was draining her energy just as it had his.

Another SeeD ran up to the monster and began shooting at its soft, pink body. The monster almost negligently sent a tentacle flying at the soldier, but he aimed and shot it off. The monster shrieked, its cry so high and piercing that Squall winced. Then the monster threw the woman to the ground and raced towards the recorder, growing larger and larger on the holo-screen. Squall heard someone in the Briefing Room draw a noisy breath, then the screen went black.

"That was Sergeant Rawl that managed to take the recording. He's in the infirmary now," Quistis said. "His condition is critical."

"And the SeeD that was attacked?" Squall asked quietly. Heads turned in his direction.

"Um, Private Bal, sir," Caret answered. "Her condition is critical as well."

Squall nodded, the turned to fully face the tentacle on the table. He walked around until he was standing near it, gently pushing Dr. Kencie aside so he could lean over it. He peered at it suspiciously; it was still.

"Has it moved at all since you retrieved it?"

"No, sir," one of the injured SeeDs said. "After I cut it off it just fell to the sand and lay perfectly still, dead. It hasn't moved at all, not one bit on its own since I picked it up. The monster screamed when I shot it off and flew away, and we didn't see it again."

Squall grunted and leaned closer to the tentacle. He reached up tentatively towards it and touched it with one finger. Immediately it reared up like a snake and turned its claw towards him. Squall swore and jumped away, but before he was clear it speared towards his hand, still sliding off of the tabletop. It shot directly towards the pink scar that another tentacle had left that morning. Just as it was going to make contact with his skin, a hand reached out and grabbed it just behind the claw.

Squall looked up as Seifer grabbed the severed arm. He bashed it against the table, then lifted it as if to slam it down again. Dr. Kencie leapt up and, rather foolishly, got between Seifer and the table.

"No, look, see! It's still again!"

They all looked up at Seifer's still upraised arm. The tentacle hung from his hand, still and lifeless like a length of rope.

"Lieutenant," Dr. Kencie said thoughtfully. "Put the tentacle back on the table, but hold it tightly, right behind the claw."

Seifer narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"It's an experiment," the doctor said in exasperation. "I promise you, no one will be hurt."

Seifer did as he was asked, though he scowled unhappily as he complied.

"Now, Sir," Dr. Kencie said, nodding at Squall. "Could you please, very gently, touch the tentacle again?"

"What?" Seifer cried. "Are you crazy?"

"I promise you," Dr. Kencie urged, "he won't be injured. Just keep your grip on that tentacle."

Grumbling, Seifer squeezed the tentacle until it bulged on either side of his fist.

"Master Leonhart, when you are ready," the doctor said.

Squall reached out cautiously and very lightly brushed his finger against the tentacle. The claw lifted itself off the table and the other end of it whipped uselessly against the wood, but Seifer held tight. Squall jerked his hand away and the thing fell still again.

"Interesting," Dr. Kencie said. "Indeed. Hmm."

Seifer pushed Squall away from the table before letting go of the tentacle again.

"Go over there," he said, pointing to the opposite side of the room. Squall suppressed a smile and went to take a seat near Quistis. Seifer started to walk away from the tentacle, but then he gave a distrusting look at Dr. Kencie, lifted the tentacle and smashed it against the table once more, just to be sure.

Squall snorted softly as he settled into his chair.

Quistis jerked suddenly beside him and she looked over his shoulder. "Oh, Rinoa. Good, you're here."

Squall froze and then slowly turned his chair around to face the door. Rinoa was standing just inside the room, her small, heart-shaped face pinched and pale with exhaustion. Her skin was made even paler by the dark brown of her pants and sweater. She walked towards Squall and wearily slumped into the chair beside him. Squall saw Seifer out of the corner of his eye, backing away. Seifer had been coming over to occupy the chair beside Squall but had backed off when Rinoa entered.

"How are they doing?" Quistis asked intently.

Rinoa sighed heavily and reached out. Squall instinctively took her hand and rested their entwined hands on his leg. She squeezed his fingers gratefully.

"Not good. Dr. Grayne said that even with all the Curagas we poured on them, he doesn't think that they're going to make it."

Captain Caret grimaced. "Not either of them?"

Rinoa shook her head, her brow creased in sorrow and sympathy.

"All right," Quistis said brusquely, turning to the injured SeeDs and Captain Caret. "Why don't you give us a full briefing of your mission so we can get you all to the infirmary."

"Yes," Dr. Kadowaki agreed huffily and Quistis smiled.

Captain Caret cleared his throat. "My team," he gestured to the wounded soldiers, "can fill in anything I forget. I took two teams of five soldiers down to the beach with me on Lieutenant Almasy's orders."

Squall wondered if anyone found it odd that a Level 23 Lieutenant would be giving orders to a Level 26 Captain, but no one so much as twitched; they all knew what Seifer was like.

"I _told_ you to take ten," Seifer muttered.

Caret blinked. "Uh, Lieutenant, I thought that ten teams of five were a bit much. I felt quite certain that ten SeeD soldiers would be competent to handle whatever monster we met."

"And you were wrong, weren't you?" Seifer bit out.

"Now, Lieutenant," Dr. Kencie started but Seifer silenced him with a glare.

"I mean, if this monster tackled _Headmaster Leonhart_ all by itself, what made you think that even a hundred soldiers led by _you_ would be match enough for it?"

"Now, _Lieutenant_," Caret seethed.

Squall saw Quistis open her mouth to reprimand Seifer, but Squall cut her off.

"Seifer," Squall said coolly. Seifer let out a breath and glared, but remained silent. "Continue, Captain," Squall prompted.

Caret proceeded, though his eyes were narrow and his jaw was clenched tight. "We reached the area on the beach where the _Lieutenant_ said he found the Headmaster this morning. We then searched the entire sector and found nothing. We were going to head back to the Garden when Private Bal tripped on a rock and accidentally fell into the surf that broke near the shore. Private Fry," he gestured to one of the injured soldiers, "helped her out and then we all started back for the Garden. That was when the creature attacked."

"Did you see where it came from?" Dr. Zhabedy asked, speaking for the first time since Squall and he had talked in the corridor.

"No, sir. It just appeared. We were all concentrating on Private Bal at that moment, and so were not looking when--"

"You mean you all had your heads up your asses," Seifer said, not taking care to be quiet.

Quistis did not even bother to scold Seifer. She looked equally upset. "So after the monster attacked, what happened?"

"Well, sir, we threw everything we had at it. I've got to say we used Fire Magic, Thunder Magic, Ice Magic...sir, we used _everything_."

"But none of it worked," put in the previously mentioned Private Fry.

Captain Caret nodded confirmation. "But none of it worked. We threw every bit of magic we had at the thing, but it didn't even falter. I kept checking it for damage, but there wasn't any! Not even a small drain on its hit points! No matter what we tried!"

"Did any of you use a Guardian Force?" Squall asked.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Uh, no, sir," Caret said, stumbling slightly on his words. "I--that is you--I thought that we were no longer required to use GF's, due to the effect they have on the user's memory."

Squall responded calmly. "I did not say you _should_ have used a GF, Captain, I merely asked if anyone did."

"Oh. No. But--that is, if none of our magic worked on the creature, would a GF really have any effect?"

"When I used Shiva on it this morning, it did some obvious damage," Squall said.

Caret fidgeted and Squall noted the same awkwardness on other faces around the table. Not too many people used Guardian Forces these days, not since they had discovered the terrible side effects of calling one.

"If none of the spells you used on the creature worked," Rinoa said softly, "then is it possible that the creature is...immune to magic?"

The room was absolutely silent.

"That--that's not possible," Caret gasped.

"Not true, Captain," Dr. Zhabedy said, shaking his head. "I seem to remember--yes, I seem to remember coming across, in my studies, some descriptions of monsters in the past that were immune to most magic."

"Most, but surely not _all_, Doctor," Quistis said.

"I--" Zhabedy frowned, his small, bald head wrinkling in thought. "I can't be sure. I will need to consult my research on monsters, but I wouldn't rule it out. The number of new monsters we received in this last Lunar Cry was staggering."

Squall frowned. "But it's been almost two years since the Lunar Cry and more than a year since any reports of a new monster. If this creature _did_ come down from the moon, wouldn't we have already discovered it by now?"

"Not necessarily," the doctor disagreed. "If the monster has been sleeping, dormant until now, or perhaps came down in a smaller, unevolved form, then no, we would not have."

Seifer snorted. "I heard 'if' and 'perhaps' in there but no 'certain' or 'sure'."

Dr. Zhabedy sniffed. "In history there is very little certainty, young Mister Almasy, as I recall telling you repeatedly in Sorceress Wars Seminar, but you were not keen on accepting that then, nor are you now."

Seifer glared and the doctor met and held the cold gaze. Squall sighed, tired of breaking up Seifer's fights.

"But this is not history, Doctor," Squall put in. "This is now, and this is real, and we _need_ to know what we're up against, here. If there is a monster out there that is invulnerable to most magic then we have to find out what magic does work on it. And if that monster is, in fact, invincible against all magic then we have to find what weapons cause it the most damage."

Seifer chimed in. "And if weapons don't cause it damage, then we have to find a really big bomb."

---

Dr. Zhabedy bustled off to his research in the staff library and Dr. Kencie went to his laboratory, eagerly clutching the lifeless tentacle. Dr. Kadowaki marched the injured soldiers and Caret out of the Briefing Room and straight to the lift that would take them to the first floor. She was muttering about 'foolish endangerment' when she left and throwing dirty looks at Squall and Quistis.

Squall leaned back in his chair. The room was empty except for he, Seifer, Rinoa and Quistis, and he could finally relax. He was still holding Rinoa's hand with his right hand, and he covered both their hands with his left. He squeezed her tight and tried to concentrate as Quistis called up the footage of the attack again, but his mind was buzzing with confusion and a familiar panic.

He turned to his right and saw a pale face framed by dark hair. Beside her, profile overlapped by the first, was another pale face, this one topped with light hair. Two pairs of eyes looked beyond him to the holo-screen, one brown, one blue.

He tried to focus on the film, but he looked away again quickly. He had experienced the same thing that morning and had no desire to see it happening to someone else. It was so hard to gather his thoughts, anyway, around that horrid buzzing in his mind.

It was always the same when Seifer and Rinoa were together, when Squall was confronted with the both of them at the same time. When he was with one or the other he focused on them completely, tuning his thoughts only on the one that he was with, but when they were both there his mind flipped channels. His thoughts were flapping in the wind. He hated--_hated_--having to face both of them at once. He couldn't stand the guilt, the lies were like sharp knives lodged in his back. He felt a desperate kind of panic, as if at any moment, Rinoa would turn to him and say, _'Squall, you've been lying to me, haven't you?_'

"Squall? _Squall_?"

He blinked and realized that Rinoa had called his name a few times.

"I'm sorry?"

Rinoa sighed and smiled at him.

Quistis cleared her throat. "I was asking you if--"

There came a beep and Squall looked up for a moment before registering the familiar noise. He tapped the communication button on his wristband.

"Leonhart," he said shortly.

"Headmaster, it's Dr. Kadowaki."

Squall nodded. "Yes, Doctor?"

"Squall, Private Bal just died."

Squall frowned. "Was she the one that was attacked on the film?"

"Yes."

"All right, thank you, Doctor Kadowaki."

He closed the line and looked down, fighting the surge of guilt and horror that came every time a SeeD was injured or died in the course of a mission. Despair threatened--he was in charge, he should not have sent these people out to die, it should have been his job, it should have been _him_.

"Squall," Rinoa said, reaching up to caress his face. He looked down into her brown eyes and fought to erase the pain from his expression. Her hand tightened around his and she stroked his cheek again. "You can't blame yourself every time."

Squall shook his head. "Yes, I can," he contradicted. Then he gently took her hand off his face and looked at Quistis. (He couldn't look at Seifer--he _couldn't_--because he knew what he would see in those blue eyes...concern, care, sadness, sympathy, the desire to comfort him and envy that he could not.)

"All right, I want you to issue a general order to everyone at Garden. I do not, repeat _not_, want any hot shots running off down the beach, half-cocked and unprepared, just because they want to bag themselves a difficult kill. Anyone caught wandering the beach had better have a damn good reason for being out there and will be severely reprimanded if they do not. Also. Alert the surrounding towns and call the President's office at Esthar to let them know about this monster. Make sure people know that this creature is unusual and not susceptible to magic. Got that?"

Quistis nodded tersely and stood. "Yes, sir. Anything else, sir?"

Squall sighed. Quistis knew that he had to give these orders, knew that he meant nothing by his cool demeanor, also knew that she took every order personally as a reminder that he held a higher rank than she. He shook his head. "No."

Quistis nodded again and left.

And then Squall was left alone with Rinoa and Seifer. Not for long, though, as Seifer suddenly stood and headed for the door.

"I'm going to run after her and catch a ride up with her in the lift. You can use my key to get back up to your office."

"But--" Squall started.

"It's okay. I'll just come by to pick it up later." And with a nod at Rinoa, Seifer turned and left.

Immediately the confused buzzing in his head lessened and Squall took a deep, clear breath, relaxing though he hadn't known that he was tense.

"Come on," Rinoa said softly. She stood and tugged gently on his hand. "Let's go get some dinner. I hear the hot dogs are good tonight."

Squall groaned. "What are you, Zell, now? Are you a hot dog connoisseur?"

Rinoa smiled and tilted her head, still trying to pull him to his feet. "Come on, quit griping and get to your feet, Leonhart."

Squall sighed and stood and they walked out of the Briefing Room without letting each other go.

"I'm glad you're back," Squall said tentatively as they reached the elevator. He looked down, feeling suddenly shy. "I mean, it's not like I planned this to get you back, but... I miss you when you're gone. And. I'm glad. That you're back."

Rinoa smiled and tugged him into the elevator with him. "Was that so hard to say?" she chided as the doors closed behind them and the lift rose up.

Squall scowled. "Yes."

Rinoa laughed. "Whatever."

Squall smiled and leaned down to drop a kiss on her lips. He inhaled deeply as he touched her, drawing in the sweet scent of her shampoo. He kissed her again, making this one longer, deeper, pouring his heart into it.

__

I'm so sorry, he thought as he kissed her. _I'm so sorry._

Rinoa cupped his face in her hands and pulled back. She frowned at the sight of the tears in his eyes.

"Squall, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Squall said, leaning back and breaking the embrace. He squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again. "Just--I guess just still thinking about that SeeD. Bal."

"Did you know her?" she asked sympathetically.

"No," he answered. "But still--"

"Of course," Rinoa said, knowing just what he meant before he said it.

They rode in silence for a while before Rinoa spoke again.

"Squall, why are we going up to the third floor? Have you moved the cafeteria without telling me?"

Squall shook his head. "No, I just wanted to go to my office so I can be there when he calls."

"When who calls?"

"Oh, Laguna. Quistis is on the phone with someone in his office right now. As soon as she hangs up that someone will run all aflutter to tell him. Laguna will then run all aflutter to the phone. And call me."

"All aflutter," Rinoa said wryly.

"Exactly. I just want to be there when he calls so I don't have to call him back."

"All right. Squall, try being nice to him. Please?"

Squall lifted one eyebrow skeptically. "We'll see."

---


	5. If Only

Story Note: Yaoi. Chapter rated R for sexual situations. I don't use 'X' unless things get way down dirty-freaky-graphic-porno, so just use your own discretion  
Disclaimer: What belongs to Squaresoft doesn't belong to me. What comes from my brain doesn't belong to you. Let's keep it that way. _and so on_ ****

If Only 

  


Rinoa went first into Squall's office and he followed, doing rapid damage control. She took off her bulky brown sweater, revealing a white camisole underneath, and dropped the sweater onto the floor. Squall placed Seifer's borrowed key on the table by the door and then hurried after Rinoa. He quickly stooped and picked it up, folded it and draped it over the back of a chair. Rinoa moved to the cabinets on the wall and opened one--Seifer made Squall keep food in his office because he often forgot to eat when he got caught up in work. She took out a box of granola bars, reached inside the box and took out one wrapped bar. She then put the box back in the cabinet and walked away. Squall pulled the cabinet door shut and followed her past his desk.

She unwrapped her granola bar, placed it between her teeth, and crumpled the plastic before putting it on the corner of Squall's desk. She moved on again and he darted forward, grabbing the wrapper as it started to slip off the desk towards the floor. He dropped it in the garbage can beside his desk, then swept a few crumbs off the desktop and wiped his hands over the trash.

Rinoa glanced over her shoulder at him in obvious amusement before sitting at the piano in the corner of the room. She began to play, her long fingers bridging octaves, gracing keys with her touch. Squall came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder carefully, afraid to disturb the magic of her playing. She leaned back against him but continued to play.

He put his other hand on her left shoulder and cupped his palms against her skin. She was so soft and cool and slender in his hands. He rubbed her gently, finally beginning to relax after the Debriefing session. The merest contact with her, the brush of her hand, the soft tickle of her hair against his fingers put him at ease.

The music swelled and wrapped itself around Squall, caressing him with a lover's touch. Rinoa played the piano with a sad beauty that caught at his heart. The pieces that she wrote were always mournful, flowing and cascading up and down a range of notes in a minor key. It broke his heart that she could have such sorrow hidden within that could prompt her to write such doleful music. The smiles she gave him always seemed so genuine, so full--but her music made him doubt.

He caressed her cheek and she looked up at him without stopping her playing. Squall began to sit beside her on the piano bench but then the vid-phone on his desk rang.

Squall sighed heavily and Rinoa smiled sympathetically.

"That'll be him," Squall said, getting up and walking to his desk.

"Try to be nice to him," Rinoa said, turning back to the keys. "He loves you, you know."

Squall raised an eyebrow but remained silent. He turned on the vid-phone and the screen immediately showed an officious woman glaring back at him. He sat back and tilted his head.

"Squall Leonhart, here."

"Yes, Headmaster Leonhart, please hold for a call from the President."

Squall pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger and leaned his elbows on his desk. The woman disappeared from the screen and then the picture was of the Esthar Presidential office. Squall could see the desk and the window behind it--but his father was nowhere to be found.

"I'm giving him one minute to get to the damn phone," Squall muttered, dropping his palms to his desktop. "Then I'm hanging--"

"Squall!"

Squall pulled in a deep breath and then sighed inaudibly.

"Hello, Mr. President."

Laguna's moon-face lost its smile.

"Squall, it's me."

Squall resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Yes, Mr. President, I know who you are."

"Squall, I'm your father," Laguna grated. "Do you think you could drop that 'Mr. President' stuff and just call me 'Dad'?"

Squall pinched his lips together and folded his hands on his desk. "Is this a personal call?"

Laguna furrowed his brow. "Well, no, actually I wanted to talk to you about the contract I took out with you last--"

"Then if this is not a personal call," Squall interrupted, "I will conduct myself in a manner suiting the business at hand. I will refer to you as President Loire and you will kindly refer to _me_ as Headmaster Leonhart."

Laguna's nostrils flattened as he sucked in a breath. "Fine. _Headmaster_ Leonhart. I want to know what the hell this is about?"

"What's that, sir?"

Laguna's eyes narrowed. "My office just received a call from Commander Quistis Trepe regarding a new monster found on the stretch of beach on the west shore of Esthar which your Garden is currently inhabiting."

"Oh, did she call you already? Good," Squall said smoothly.

Laguna grunted. "Yes, she called us. Now what is this about your ordering all my citizens to stay near their homes and not leave their villages?"

Squall tilted his head thoughtfully. "I thought that was pretty clear, but if you want clarification..." Squall shrugged. "I've ordered your citizens to stay near their homes and not leave their villages."

The President pinched his lips together in an expression mirroring Squall's. Behind Squall, Rinoa's piano playing grew slightly louder as she hit the keys with more force. He could feel her eyes boring disapprovingly into the back of his neck.

"Look, _Headmaster_, when Esthar contracted Balamb Garden to clean our continent of monsters we thought you were going to do just that, not tell us to cower in our homes and let the monsters go happily about their affairs."

Squall did roll his eyes this time. "I am assuming that if you received that much information you also got the rest of the message the Commander told me she would be conveying to your office?"

"Oh, you mean that tripe about a monster that's immune to magic? You're not really serious about that, are you?"

Squall sighed out loud so that his father could hear his exasperation.

"Yes, sir, we are really serious about that. Now there is a monster out there that we as yet do not know how to fight, and rather than let your citizens get maimed, eaten and otherwise killed by the creature I thought that it would be best to advise them not to leave areas where they are safe. However, if you think that they would enjoy being speared by a hundred-armed floating monster with energy-draining capabilities that is immune to all kinds of magic, then by all means, please, tell them to go outside and have a picnic."

Laguna glared at Squall and Squall glared right back. 

"I don't care for your attitude, _Headmaster_," Laguna growled.

"And I don't care for yours," Squall spat back. "You contracted us to do a job and to date we have performed it with full competence and unfailing success. Now we have reached what could be a setback, but it might not be. I am trying to be cautious, Mr. President, and make sure that no innocents are harmed before we can figure out how to handle this monster. But if you are unsatisfied with either my or anyone else here at Balamb Garden's conduct, we will be happy to leave. I remember well that we _both_ made sure to include a clause in the official mission outline giving us the option to terminate the contract at any time. I can take my Garden and all my SeeDs and we can just fly on back to Balamb with very little trouble at all."

Squall paused, letting the threat hang in the air for a moment.

"That is, if you're displeased."

Laguna's eyes were narrowed into thin slits. He threw his shoulders back. "No, I am not in any way dissatisfied with your conduct. Please, don't think that I hold Balamb Garden in anything but the highest esteem. I merely wished to clear up some misunderstandings, not terminate our contract."

Squall was silent for a short while before nodding. "Of course. I was only reminding you of your rights as a contract-holder, sir."

"Of course," Laguna said, not even trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice. Then he laughed out loud. "Okay, Squall, you've got me by the balls on this one. Just see that you SeeDs get around to killing that monster one of these days, huh?"

Squall nodded. "We're working on that right now. I have the heads of our History and Science departments studying the creature. One of our SeeDs managed to bring back a severed tentacle from the monster this afternoon."

Laguna's eyes widened. "Really? Well, that's good news!"

Squall smiled briefly. "Yes, well. It shouldn't be long before we know how to defeat the monster, either with a magic we haven't tried yet or with a major weapons attack. It's only a matter of time."

"Well _that's_ reassuring," Laguna said expansively. He leaned back in his chair. "What's that music I hear, Squall? Is Rinoa there?"

Squall glanced over his shoulder. "Yes, she came back this morning."

"Early, right? Wasn't she supposed to be in Timber until next week?"

The piano music stopped and Squall winced.

"Doesn't he know what happened to you this morning?" Rinoa asked accusatorily.

Squall sighed and looked down.

"Why didn't Seifer or Quistis call him to let him know?" she asked.

Squall rolled his eyes. "Because," he hissed at her, quietly so Laguna couldn't hear on the vid-phone, "they have standing orders not to alert him to anything that they wouldn't normally tell the President of Esthar."

"But Squall!" she gasped, turning on the piano bench to face him. "He's your father."

Squall merely stared at her.

"Well, tell him now."

Squall continued to stare at her, though it was hard to maintain stoicism under her icy gaze.

"Fine. Get up, I'm going to tell him."

Squall sighed but did as she told him and vacated his seat so she could talk to Laguna. Squall tried to block out the sounds of their conversation as he went over to the piano and sat at the bench.

He ran his fingers idly over the keys, making disjointed chords that made even him wince. When Rinoa moved to Garden with Squall he had made sure that her grand piano was stored in his office rather than in their apartment in the basement. He loved to hear her play while he worked--the sound of it put him at ease.

Seifer had laughed when Squall had first shown him the piano.

__

"Taking up a new hobby, Leonhart?" he snickered.

"No, it's not for me, it's Rinoa's."

"Oh, of course, I should have known you couldn't play."

"Not a single note," Squall agreed easily. "I'm completely tone deaf."

"No, that's not what holds you back, Leonhart. You just have don't have the soul. There is no romance in your heart."

Squall had taken minor offense to that comment at the time, though it was definitely true that he had no musical talent whatsoever. It had grated on him that Seifer thought him so cold, so lacking. He couldn't help but admit that he had once been that way, but it hurt that Seifer could not see the changes in him. That had been over a year ago, before the night when the Garden had gone black and they had found comfort in each other's arms. Squall did not know if Seifer's opinion of him had changed since then--he was afraid to ask.

"Squall."

Squall turned and winced at the expression on Rinoa's face. She pointed at the vid-phone and stood.

"Talk to him, Squall."

Squall sighed and lifted himself to his feet with great reluctance. When he faced his father again on the phone he grimaced at the other's agonized expression.

"Squall," Laguna gasped in horror.

"Gods, Rinoa, what did you tell him?" Squall shot a glare at her but she ignored his anger.

"The truth," she shot back.

Squall met his father's eyes and winced.

"Mr. President, it wasn't--"

"Squall," Laguna cut him off. "This call is officially personal, now." His tone was not to be argued with.

Squall gritted his teeth. "Fine."

Laguna raised his eyebrows. Squall looked away in frustration and met Rinoa's iron glare. He shrank a little under her eyes and frowned at the vid-phone.

"Father."

Laguna grinned. "Great, I hope you didn't pull anything terribly important, there. Now. About this attack--"

"Father-- I'm fine. Really. I don't know why Rinoa even bothered to tell you about it."

Laguna rolled his eyes. "She _bothered_, Squall, because she knows that I _care_. If you had just told me to begin with that this--_thing_--had attacked you then I would have immediately backed up your order to my citizens and sent every spare platoon of Esthar Guards that I have your way."

Squall pinched his lips together. _That_ was exactly why he hadn't wanted Laguna to know. "Look. _Dad_. I didn't tell you because I knew that was how you would react. If it hadn't been me that was attacked then you wouldn't do all that. You still would have been on the vid with me, chewing me out for overstepping my jurisdiction and presumably slacking off."

Laguna blinked, seeming a little confused. "But it _was_ you, Squall."

Squall narrowed his eyes. "That shouldn't make a difference."

"But it does."

"Why?"

"Because you're my son."

Squall drew a deep breath and resisted the urge to drop his face into his hands.

"What? You're unhappy because I'm upset about my son being attacked?"

Squall didn't answer. He stared at his fists clenched on the desktop and breathed in and out and in and out.

"Squall. Say something, dammit, don't just sit there like a damn block of ice. Tell me what's on your mind, boy."

Squall narrowed his eyes. "Don't patronize me."

Laguna sighed and his shoulders slumped slightly. "I wasn't patronizing you. Squall, I--" He looked away, then back. "How are you now?"

"I already told you, I'm fine."

"And are you really?"

Squall rolled his eyes. "No, _Dad_. I'm dead. You're just hallucinating this entire conversation."

Laguna's lips pinched together. "I really don't care for your tone, Squall."

"And I don't care for yours," Squall bit out, echoing their earlier argument. It sounded just as childish this time around as it did the last. "Look, Laguna. I don't think this is accomplishing anything. Why don't we both just step back, relax, and talk again tomorrow?"

Laguna nodded. "That's not a bad idea. I--I'm glad you're okay, Squall."

"Thanks. Father. Good-bye."

"Good-bye."

Squall waved his hand over the vid screen and it went black. He sighed deeply and dropped his face forward into his hands.

Rinoa's hands were on him then, rubbing his back and stroking his neck. She stood behind his chair and he leaned back against her, resting his head on her stomach, relaxing into her touch.

"He loves you, Squall."

Squall laughed bitterly and closed his eyes.

"He was scared, Squall, when I told him how badly you were hurt."

"Oh? Is that why he acted like an overbearing asshole? God he's so--" Squall clenched his fists, searching for the words to describe the tight ball of emotion seething in his chest. "He's _so_ controlling and overprotective and--and--and over_protective_ and--just--"

Rinoa sighed and put her hands on his head, petting his hair in a gentle, soothing motion. 

"It's the only way he knows how to care for you, Squall," she said softly.

Squall snorted. "He might know if he hadn't--" He broke off and pinched his lips. _If he hadn't **left**._

Rinoa sighed again and Squall knew that she was completely aware of his train of thought. She didn't say anything, though, she only continued to run her fingers over his hair and across his temples.

Squall reached up blindly and grabbed her hands, bringing them to his mouth. He kissed the tips of her fingers, then he opened his eyes and turned in his chair. She was looking down at him with a sad smile on her face. He let go of her hands and reached up to brush a few dark locks of hair from her cheeks before cupping her face and drawing her lips down to his.

After a long few moments, Rinoa broke the kiss and smiled at him slyly. He frowned and let go reluctantly as she pulled away from his grasp. She started to walk away, then reached back and tugged on his hand. She nodded towards the couch and Squall belatedly understood.

"Oh," he said stupidly and Rinoa laughed lightly. He stood and followed her to the sofa, where she pushed him a little roughly to the cushions and then straddled his hips.

"Oh," she echoed with another laugh before leaning down and seizing his lower lip in her teeth.

"Rinoa," he whispered softly as he spread his fingers over her sides. He ran his hands down the fabric of silk camisole, then slid his fingers up the hem of the shirt.

"It's all right, Squall," she sighed, moving her lips down his throat and unbuttoning his white shirt at the same time. "It's going to be all right."

Rinoa knew what he wanted to hear, even if it was a lie. He pulled her camisole up and she stretched her arms so he could tug it off. He reached around her to undo her bra as she pulled at the zipper of his leather pants.

"Damn, this thing is tough," she grunted, tugging hard on the zipper. "Why do you always have to wear these _tight_ leather pants? I hate hearing a squeak every time I sit on your lap."

Squall laughed and reached down to help her. He sat up to get rid of his own shirt and then there was a rushed period of disrobing that ended with Rinoa wearing nothing but her panties, and Squall, a smile.

He sighed as she began tracing the path of scars on his chest and stomach with her lips and tongue. He gripped her upper arms and sat up, pushing her down and straddling her hips.

"Ooh, playing rough are we?" Rinoa giggled.

One loud bang on the office door interrupted the breath-laced silence and Squall's throat tightened as the door slammed open.

"Hey Leonhart, give me back my key--" Seifer announced as he walked in, his last word cutting off with a strangled noise.

"Seifer--" Squall blurted, frozen facing the door with Rinoa beneath him, desperately aware of the expanse of naked flesh he was displaying--even more aware of every inch of it that was pressed against Rinoa's.

"I'm—I—I'm sorry," Seifer stuttered, averting his face. 

"It's on the table there," Squall muttered against Rinoa's shoulder, pointing vaguely towards the door.

Seifer continued to babble even as he stooped to pick up his key. "I, I just wanted to— I came for my key, I—"

Rinoa laughed. "Oh, goodness, it's all right, calm down, Seifer."

He shook his head, still staring intently at the wall opposite the sofa. "I'm sorry, I should have waited—"

"It's all _right_, Seifer," Rinoa said, then she smiled wickedly and Squall got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Don't worry about it. In fact, come on, you can stay and watch."

Seifer's shoulders bunched up and Squall knew his eyes were bulging. Not too many people were aware of Rinoa's occasionally twisted sense of humor and her tendency towards exhibitionism. The number of times she'd cornered him in the glass-walled elevators—

"No, I uh—" Seifer stammered.

"Aw," Rinoa lamented with a giggle in her voice, "no don't go. Honey," she said slyly, looking up at Squall, "couldn't he maybe join us?"

Squall's eyebrows shot up his forehead and his ears flamed red.

"Sorry for disturbing you," he blurted and rushed quickly out the door, closing it loudly behind him.

Rinoa called after him. "Prude!" She laughed so hard that she shook beneath Squall. "Oh Gods, poor Seifer. I'm going to have to apologize to him later, but damn if that wasn't fun!"

Squall was able to lift half of his mouth in a lopsided smile and then dropped his face into her hair as she nibbled at the skin of his neck.

__

Oh Gods. In the maelstrom of thoughts and images swirling in his brain, that one stuck out. _Oh Gods, **Seifer**!_ What a rude awakening, to have Seifer appear during his time with Rinoa—not only that, but for Seifer to have found them in the midst of a naked tumble...

__

In the same office where Seifer and I had sex just this morning...

Suddenly Squall felt dirty, disgusting. He closed his eyes and let Rinoa take control, responding automatically to her caresses and letting her guide his movements.

When Squall was with one of his lovers, his brain tried to forget that the other existed—it was for his safety and sanity. It was how he dealt with his incredible guilt and the absolute baseness of his actions. To have them both in the same place at the same time like at the briefing was hard enough, but just now...just now Seifer had...while he and Rinoa...

It was so hard to push away the look of horror on Seifer's face that Rinoa surely attributed to embarrassment—that and the quick flash of pain that Seifer had quickly covered with stiff features and a politely turned face. Not so quickly, though, that Squall had missed it.

He could not stop a pained moan escaping his throat and Rinoa was there immediately, kissing his lips and cheeks, stroking his neck and hair and chest.

"Squall, Squall," she whispered gently. "It's all right, it's going to be _all right_. Don't think about him, don't let it hurt you."

She was talking about Laguna, Squall's father, thinking that he was still upset over their conversation. _Oh, Rinoa,_ Squall thought in silent response. _If only that were it._

"I love you," he sighed, holding her close, and stroking her hair.

__

If only I didn't.

---


	6. Helped and Helpless

Story Note: Yaoi. Chapter rated R for violence. Weak stomachs should avoid.  
Disclaimer: What belongs to Squaresoft doesn't belong to me. What comes from my brain doesn't belong to you. Let's keep it that way. _tra la_ ****

Helped and Helpless

  


Squall did not sleep much anymore. It was soldier's habit; rise with the sun, dream lightly, always be prepared to run and fight. There was too much in his head, too much push and pull. He was fighting a battle with his emotions rather than with enemy forces, but the result was the same: he spent every moment tensed for battle.

He stared at the uninterestingly monochromatic ceiling of his apartment's bedroom for a long, stretching minute that turned into sleepless hours. He stared at the glowing digital clock on his bedside table and watched with growing despair as the numbers progressed in their inevitable cycle. Finally—quietly so as not to disturb Rinoa, who slept the sleep of the guiltless—he sat up and dropped his feet to the floor. He tossed aside the twisted sheets and staggered into the living room of his spacious Headmaster's quarters.

He did not turn on the lights as he moved across the room. He leaned against the huge bay windows that looked out onto the ocean and stared at the moon—so bright right now that it seemed to fill the entire sky. 

Squall scraped his nails over his face as if to scour away his misery. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass and put his palms flat on his bare chest. He fingered a large patch of skin that felt different from the rest of his smooth flesh; a scar left by the tentacle of the monster from the beach.

Images flashed over his eyes as the morning regurgitated itself with dark-edged nightmarish quality. He watched again as the monster advanced, swinging its hundred arms with wild anger, reaching for him with mindless hunger—watched the amorphous pink blob of organ tissue that was the creature's body and gouged his fingernails desperately into the slimy flesh.

Breaking from the hold of the relentless replay, he shook and sighed with a deep growl. He pushed himself away from the window, turning his back on the moon. The moon was a traitor, distorting life and coating it in silvery-blue…making everything he dreamed look so real.

Squall turned, picking nervously at the waist of his gray flannel pajama bottoms and started towards the bedroom. He froze with one foot in the air and felt it coming a moment before the sharp ring broke the peace of the apartment. 

"Squall!" Quistis's voice cut out from the communications panel installed in the wall of the living room.

Squall strode to the panel and keyed it on. "Leonhart here. What is it, Quistis?"

"Squall, get up here. There's been an attack on a village nearby—the same monster—and it's still there."

The truck pitched and shook as it raced over the rocky terrain of the plains between Balamb Garden and the besieged village of Meta. Squall could see the second truck coming up on their right and he turned in his seat on the passenger side to peer back. 

Two trucks filled with two teams each. Twenty SeeD soldiers, not including Quistis, Seifer, Rinoa, Captain Caret, Dr. Kencie and himself. Twenty-six men and women, more than he had with him when he turned the tide of battle when Galbadia attacked Balamb; when he went against Ultimecia. All for one monster.

Squall was afraid it might not be enough.

"Sir!" Captain Caret barked at him from the driver's seat and the truck came to an abrupt stop. Squall peered out the windshield and wondered for a moment where they were. Then a scream hit him and the glow of fire in the village threw him into action. 

He turned to the nervous men and women seated in the back of the truck and snapped, "Fall out!"

Squall jumped out and strode to the other truck. Quistis was roaring at the SeeDs under her command as they rushed out the back. Squall nodded at Seifer and Rinoa as the two met him and they turned to the village. Squall left it to Quistis to deploy and organize the SeeDs and led his two lovers into the screaming, burning village.

In the village center of Meta they found the monster hovering over a pair of victims, one tentacle piercing the chests of its prey. Squall could not make out whether they were men or women; the two had their faces pressed against each other's shoulders and they were shielded by a mess of clutching arms.

"Commander Leonhart!" Dr. Kencie was shouting as he ran to their side. He stared at the monster in fascination for a long moment, then frowned at Seifer as the tall blond took aim at the monster with his gunblade. "Commander, use your Guardian Forces!" he shouted to Squall, then whirled and clenched his fists at Rinoa and Seifer. "Regular battle magic and attacks do not affect this monster! You _have_ to use your Guardian Forces!"

Squall wasted no time in calling Shiva, using all of his magical bond with the Guardian Force to ensure she would aim for the monster and avoid the pair impaled on its arm.

Squall's own scream was engulfed by the painful cry of the monster. He clapped his hands over his ears and felt wetness under his fingers. He took his hands away and stared at the blood on his skin.

"Commander, look!"

Squall looked up and for a moment his vision was filled with the bodies that fell from the monster's writhing arm. They dropped to the ground just as the creature turned to the source of its pain—the one that had sent the icicles that gouged its pink flesh—and flew with deadly speed towards Squall. It reached for him with 99 arms—Squall spotted the stump amongst the stretching limbs where there had been one hundred—and hovered over the grass in front of Squall. 

The acrid scent of smoke filled Squall's nostrils and fire flickered on the edge of his vision and reflected on the sword of his gunblade as he lifted it hopelessly against the 99 arms shooting towards him.

99 arms wrapped around him and tightened until he lost his grip on his gun. He saw Seifer and Rinoa running towards him, saw their mouths open and shut as they screamed to each other, but he could not hear them. He felt his eyes bulge as the creature's 99 arms wrapped around and around him.

The arms lifted Squall up in the air and one claw rested against his cheek, stroking gently. He gagged as one tentacle circled his neck. Another claw pressed its hard bone on his skin, tracing the scar that ran across the bridge of his nose. A third claw was sharp and painful on his lips as it forced its way into his mouth. He choked and groaned around the large bone claw that scraped the roof of his mouth and flattened his tongue. The blood that ran from his ears joined the growing red stain on his white shirt and met the blood that fell from his nose and trickled out of his mouth.

From far away, someone called his name, but he could not turn towards the speaker. 99 arms pushed his arms against his body, twined about his legs, strangled and suffocated him. The painful point of a claw pressed against his breastbone and slowly pierced the skin.

__

Famished… A whisper inside his mind, a sound that did not pass his ears. 

__

Hunger…fammmmisssshhhed… The monster? It was—speaking to him, but it had no mouth, it could not speak…

__

Sweet…taste sweeeeeet…

__

We've had this one before…

We have, we have…

The claws grazed his skin but he felt only the touch of the creature on his thoughts.

"Squall!" Rinoa's voice reached him suddenly and he started, forgetting about the cool, slimy thing about his throat and trying to turn towards her. He still could not move, and he groaned around the claw.

"Seifer, wait!" Rinoa cried and then silver flashed in front of Squall's eyes. The vice grip of the 99 arms around him loosened and then his right side flashed with pain as he fell to the ground. He lay, stunned, on the dirt as 99 arms—severed from the monster but still alive and wanting Squall's blood—writhed over and around him. He felt a sharp pain at the base of his skull and heard the high, burning screaming of the creature again—stabbing into his brain as a knife of thought. The creature was in his _mind_.

Someone lifted his head and rested it on his or her legs while Seifer scooped thrashing tentacles off of Squall's body. Squall focused his gaze on the monster as the amorphous thing, blind without its feelers and bleeding from 99 wounds, whirled in the air and then relentlessly flew towards Squall again. It yearned towards him with rippling pink flesh.

Squall grunted and Seifer turned to face the creature. He stood and leapt towards it. Squall lifted his arms and scraped his beaten body for energy, then once again summoned Shiva.

The calling of a Guardian Force required a certain cognizance, focus, the power to direct and channel. Squall had barely the strength to draw a breath and he released Shiva without control. He collapsed back, recognizing Rinoa's nervous caresses on his hair, and stared straight into the light that swirled around Shiva as the coldly beautiful spirit appeared.

Seifer whipped his head back and his eyes widened. "Squall, no!" he screamed, but his voice was swallowed in the sudden icy wind.

Shiva lifted into the air and spun as the cold of a million winters filled the air and ice veiled the village. The earth shook beneath Squall and he felt Shiva pulling from his remaining hit points even as she grew larger. She lifted one arm above her and the light of the sun burst from her fingertips before solidifying into ice. Shiva pointed at the creature and released.

The monster was engulfed in blue ice and dropped to the ground. Squall stared in amazement as Shiva looked down at him and smiled. She disappeared.

"It's frozen," Rinoa breathed against Squall's ear.

The monster was encased in a block of ice and unmoving. The sudden silence—broken only by Seifer's heaving breath and the crackle of nearby flames—was eerie in the aftermath.

"No, don 't!" Dr. Kencie cried as Seifer lifted his gunblade, but the blond ignored the command. He brought the blade down hard on the ice and split the block with a loud crack. His sword sliced through the ice and the monster's body, sending shards of ice as large as himself flying through the air. Rinoa leaned down over Squall, shielding him from the dangerous projectiles. When she straightened again, Squall stared at the two halves of the monster, still and dripping with melting ice.

Seifer walked forward slowly, with well-deserved caution and kicked one of the halves with a booted foot. He turned back to Squall and breathed out hard, stirring a lock of yellow hair.

"Well," he panted, wiping the back of a hand over his sweaty forehead. "I think it's dead."

Squall leaned heavily on Rinoa as she helped him walk slowly through Meta. They spotted Quistis outside the village's medical clinic and started toward her. She saw them, though, and strode over to meet them.

"Squall! Over the comm unit, you said only that you had been attacked, but that you were 'okay'!"

Squall shrugged and gently removed Rinoa's supporting arm from his shoulder. "I am."

Quistis stared at him and did not speak, and he thought of how he must look: blood drying in his ears, smeared across his lips and chin and drenched on his shoulders and chest, his body weak and wilting, his clothes torn. Thinking about it, he realized that he did not feel fine, either, but he did his best to ignore his pain and shot a question at Quistis to distract everyone.

"Is the village secure?"

Quistis was startled, then she nodded curtly and her face tightened. "Yes, sir. The perimeter has been locked down, the fires are under control, the casualties tallied and all villagers accounted for."

"How many deaths?" Rinoa asked softly, and Quistis's face softened as she looked at the brunette.

"Seventeen."

"Is that including the pair that the monster was attacking when we came upon it?"

Quistis nodded again. "Seifer called and filled me in after he killed the monster. He told me that there were two bodies out your way."

"They were already dead when we got there," Squall said quietly. Rinoa and Quistis seemed not to hear him.

"I have two troops working on the fire. I called in some Garden medics and they came in a couple of jeeps with supplies. I've got one troop on them, gathering the dead and helping the village care for the wounded."

"Are there many wounded?" Squall asked, lifting his head. "Did the monster leave anyone alive?"

Quistis's features pinched together and she shook her head. "No. All the injuries are from the fire that started when one of the villagers tried to use Fire magic on the creature. The thing deflected the magic attack and ignited a home."

Squall sighed and nodded. "Where's Seifer?" he asked, suddenly noticing that the blond was missing.

"Arguing with Captain Caret, last time I looked," Quistis said wryly. "Our fair knight overstepped his authority again and pulled imaginary rank on the Captain. Apparently, from what Caret was blathering about, Seifer ordered him not to follow you when you went after the creature, telling him to take his troops to the edge of the city and guard against any monsters that might be attracted by the fire and the scent of carnage on the wind. Seifer's reasoning was, as Caret told me, that the Captain would only 'come bumbling in and fuck things up,' getting you and everyone else killed in the process. Caret was quite obviously not amused."

Rinoa sighed and reached out with a strong, catching hand as Squall slumped with sudden weakness, sensing his abrupt exhaustion without even turning to look at him. He sighed and accepted her support.

"The man complains often about Seifer pulling nonexistent rank on him," Rinoa said in exasperation even as she wrapped an arm around Squall so that he could lean against her in an embrace that appeared to be more romance than necessity. "He does obey Seifer's orders, though, so what the hell does he want?"

Quistis shrugged and eyed Squall. "He's going to come crying to you about it later, just a warning."

Squall shrugged, too, not even the least bit interested in the trials and tribulations of Captain Caret. Not even interested in Seifer's whereabouts or Rinoa's loving caresses on the nape of his neck. His universe was suddenly narrowed to a couple of SeeDs walking by carrying a makeshift stretcher of poles tied together and covered with a blanket. Two bodies lay on the blanket, dead but not at rest. The pair of victims that he had been too late to save were still clutching each other. The ripped, blood-ringed holes through their torsos lined up perfectly where the monster had speared them both at once.

Their muscles still strained to hold each other even in death, frozen in place as they were when the monster attacked. Though they had tried, the SeeDs and village medics had been unable to pull the pair apart and Squall, wearily watching from the ground too soon after the creature's death to stand and move, had finally ordered them to stop trying and leave the pair as they were.

They had been able to see the faces of the creature's last prey; had been able to move their petrified bodies that much; had been able to see the exaggerated dread and pain captured by death in their stiff features like macabre grotesques. They had been able to see the protective terror and sorrow in the face of the father as he clutched his young son to his body and begged to be saved; had been able to see the horror and agony on the face of the son as he clung to his father and sobbed in fear.

"Commander! Commander!"

Squall looked up and tried to ignore the SeeDs that carried away the stretcher, though he could still see them out of the corner of his eye. He focused on Dr. Kencie as the scientist hurried towards him and finally gave into his weariness enough to sit on a low brick wall surrounding the medical clinic.

"Commander Leonhart, would you please tell Lieutenant Almasy that I would like to preserve the creature and bring it back to Garden to dissect and study?"

"You mean bring back its pieces," Rinoa muttered with a baleful glare at Kencie. Squall knew that she resented the man for trying to stop Seifer killing the monster during the battle with it, though her boyfriend's life was in danger. Squall, however, could not muster the energy or concern for his own well-being to be offended and merely sighed as the fuming scientist came to a sputtering halt before him.

"Why don't you tell him yourself, Doctor?" Squall asked tiredly.

Dr. Kencie opened his mouth wide as if to shout, then seemed to think better of it and took a calming breath. He went on in a more easy tone. "I did, sir, but the Lieutenant insists on destroying the creature's remains out of some obviously paranoid belief that it will somehow rejoin its halves and resurrect itself."

Squall sighed heavily, not bothering to mask his frustration and turned towards the clinic to see if the father and son were still in view. He could not find them, and reluctantly looked back at the scientist.

"All right, Doctor, I will talk to the Lieutenant and tell him not to destroy the creature's remains."

Kencie was anxious. "Sir, if you could—that is, when I left him he was building a bonfire to—" The doctor trailed off and wrung his hands.

Squall sighed again, feeling light-headed. He lifted his wrist to his lips and flipped on the comm switch, dialing it to the frequency he knew Seifer was using.

"Lieutenant Almasy."

A pause, then, "Reading you loud and clear, Commander. Tell that windbag, Kencie, that I'm fricasseeing his precious monster pieces as we speak."

"Oh no!" Dr. Kencie cried and ran off in the direction of a large billowing cloud of smoke.

Squall did not have the energy to find the man's panic amusing. He merely shook his head and said, "Seifer, don't destroy the monster's remains. If they're already in the fire, get them out and hose them off."

Seifer cursed. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Seifer," Squall said impatiently, "if they're already destroyed—"

"No, no," Seifer interrupted. "I haven't put them in the fire yet, though I was about to. Tell the doctor that his beloved remains are intact."

"You can tell him yourself, he'll be there in a few seconds."

"Ah, shit, here he comes." Seifer's voice was muffled for a moment, then it burst through clearly again. "Uh, Squall—How—how are you?"

Squall looked up at Rinoa, who was nodding with Quistis, taking over for him and assuming his obligation to get all the information and organize their operation for efficiency. He had not even needed to ask her to affect this role, she had done it without pause or question. Seifer hated the details and the responsibilities. If he were here, he would try to persuade Squall to blow off the task and let Quistis shoulder it, and when Squall persisted, Seifer would have gone off on his own and left Squall to it. 

The observation came with no prompting and no obvious reason or relevancy. Squall shook it off quickly, but his voice was still curt as he answered, "Fine. Put out the fire, help Kencie prepare the creature for transportation, then round up your troops and return to Garden."

A startled silence, then Seifer barked, "Affirmative, sir!" with uncharacteristic obedience.

"Leonhart out." He turned off his communicator before Seifer could respond.

Squall thought suddenly of how helpless he had been in the monster's grip, and how Rinoa had cried out for him while Seifer had severed the 99 writhing tentacles—How Seifer had saved him and then sliced the thing in half while Rinoa held him and shielded his body with her own.

__

Helpless, defenseless. So sick of allowing himself to be vulnerable and depending on others for protection and salvation.

"Squall?" Rinoa asked, turning to him and tightening her arm around him. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," he said, distracted as he stared at the wall of the medical clinic and imagined that he could see through it to the father and son inside. The boy couldn't have been much older than five; the father, in his twenties. He thought of how they had been still and unmoving when he had arrived in the center of the village; already drained of life and dead in each other's arms. The father and son had obviously loved each other, the way their hands clutched at clothing and flesh and their faces pressed into throat and shoulder—but Squall had been too late to save them. 

He frowned and lifted a hand to his forehead, fingering the scar and reliving the sensation of the bone claw of the monster laying shivering caresses on his flesh. Unable to keep from remembering the invasive, slick feel of the monster's thought/feelings on his brain.

"Fine," he echoed himself in a hollow voice. Then, he looked into Rinoa's warm, brown eyes and moved the fingers from his scar to trace the pink bow of her upper lip. "Rinoa, I want to go back to Garden, now. Quistis has things under control here, she doesn't need me."

"Okay," she said softly, nodding. "We'll take one of the jeeps that the Garden medics came in. I'll drive, you can lay out in the back seat. Come on," she urged gently, helping him to stand. "I'll take you home."

---


End file.
